my Definitive guide to dressing your self to go in public.

Ok so heres some tips and hints if you aren't sure what to wear out in the publics eye. Ive compiled these from what I've seen in my line of work. i work at a grocery store.


first of all. Lets get our bottom halves worked out. Pants are pants. meaning jeans, khakis, and others. Not fucking tights, stocking, or pj pants. heres a little visual aid.

 

Nice fitting pants. (yea shut up i cant draw legs)

But when you think you are skinnier than you are and get pants 3 sizes too small.....

Now heres a guide to length of pants.

cant tell you how many times a day i see butt cheeks, butt cracks, crotch, and other horrors because of this shit. Also, parents, if you let your young daughter wear shorts that are so short i can see the bottoms of her ass cheeks, its like telling pedophiles "take me first" and you wonder why shes turning into a whore so soon...

on a different note i saw a 7 year old today with her own cell phone... Bull shit. 

any way

no lets work on the top half.  One thing about me, im  not a skinny chick, so this isn't only toward fat people, but for all the love of all things holy PLEASE WEAR A FREAKING BRA WHEN YOU GO OUT INTO PUBLIC!!! NO ONE wants to see your nipples. same goes for you guys, wear an undershirt, i'm tired of seeing old man nipples. 

and also... heres something that happened to be yesterday this is a true story....

so there i was standing at my register, like usual, and on the lane in front of mine i see this lady walk up. shes in her mid to late 30's horribly dyed blonde hair, and shes so freaking tan she looks like an orange leather hand bag. Also, she had massive fake boobies. She was also wearing a extremely low cut shirt (one meant to wear another shirt under it) with out any thing under it, and no bra...  

You could see the veins in her tits. it was gross. Also she was leaning on the register belt and i could see the tops of her nipples. Come on people this is sick. Look at your self before you go out in public... please.

its been a while.

I know and i'm sorry. Ill post more once i stop being lazy and uninspired. Right now its really cold here, and Ive been annoyed here the past few weeks by my upstairs neighbor having his niece and her kids staying with him. they are possibly the loudest people Ive ever heard.

any way. my next post will probably be about things i find funny. We will see.

heres a preview..




ya know how you can see your breath in cold weather? Well... does it work with farts too? and if i does... does it happen to animals too?

"What was that?! Who's there!?"

Holiday Season.

Oh well its the holiday season again. Lets start with Thanksgiving. When i was growing up this was always my favorite holiday because my family went all out.

See, i LOVE food, and i especially love my moms food. so when thanksgiving came, my parents always started cooking early, and i always woke up at the crack of noon to the awesome smell of thanksgiving.

But it never failed, every single year after eating until we were miserable, we would eat again.. and again... than there was always my friends family dinners and things... but even still there was always pie...delicious..warm...piiieeee

than... after thanks giving.. there is what is possibly the stupidest "holiday" ever.

Black Friday.

This stupid consumer whore holiday consists of a few rabid hours of moms fighting over deals that are good, but not not THAT good. See i used to work at a store...lets call it Fal*Smart . And i worked a Black Friday one year, and ill never work another. Ive never seen so many stupid people in my life...

Fighting over 8$ pairs of jeans.....really?

Than...Christmas...lovely wonderful christmas....

I really love christmas lights. and when from the time i see the first string of lights go up on any tree, its like a constant feeling of bliss.

 (ps i really wish i had a shirt like this^)

But usually when it comes to actually decorating im like "eh.... i dont wanna" and all too many times i see the same thing happen to people who decorate their houses.. they imagine them like this

but usually it happens like this

"Oh hell its colder out here than i thought it was... and i really dont want ti get out the ladder.... i bet i can toss a string of lights up there and itll look alright"

and this.. is the result of that,.

When Christmas day finally does some most kids go into a candy and toy induced coma. But up until that time they are so hoped up on christmas cheer and thoughts of a big fat red man breaking into the house to leave gifts and eat all their snacks, they cant keep still.

We were never big on Christmas because my dad usually worked on Christmas day so we always had it on Christmas Eve which is cool too. And i never believed in santa because we grew up in a trailer and my brothers told me santa didnt come to trailers.

also..Christmas brings around Mistletoe a stupid tradition that allows most men to be completely creepy...

But as always Im thankful for the holiday season because i believe it does bring people together. So I hope those of you who read this have a happy and safe holiday season. Be together, be happy and love one another.

I love you shit heads.

Cold weather...

Fall is great, cause its usually not too cold not too hot. perfect.

heres a little back ground. I was born in West Virginia, and the seasons there blend into each other, gradually. But now i live in Illinois.. and its like... one day you are enjoying the nice fall weather, and suddenly the first day of winter and BAM 4 feet of snow over night.....and im left with  "what the fuck just happened" 

Its pretty much the same every winter. it starts out like this 

Smug little bastard snow flakes. think they are so superior.  Im the kind of person thats always cold and i have to dress up in every single last piece of winter clothing i have just to check the mail. Than it starts... i start getting pissed at winter, its like every last snow flake is mocking me....

That can only go on for so long before i snap....Soon i start to ponder their demise. I think "Maybe i can melt them all with a hair dryer" but no thats a little too dangerous. So finally... it happens... i snap.. i ripe off my protective head gear and neck armor... and i start EATING THOSE BASTARDS!!! yes thats right i EAT my enemys! they say if you consume your enemys you will gain their powers.....

as it turns out... this isnt the case with snow... all i ever get is a horrible cold. And im the kind of person that thinks when im sick, theres an 80% chance im gonna die. no matter what it is. so my boyfriend gets to see this a lot.

and i HATE HATE HATE taking medicine....any medicine. i jsut dont like taking it. But when i was young my mom used to make me take robitussin a cough syrup that is horrible. But even worse...she used to make me take...Nyquil....this is with out a doubt the most horrible substance known to man. it tastes like liquid death and smells even worse....but when im sick... i usually succumb  to its beautiful sirens song.

Niquil scares me cause it usually makes me so damn sleepy i dont remember what ive done, and i wake up  in a drowsy stupor. Like recently i took some nyquil gel caps and the next morning, i found out that i went to my basement, hung up my laundry and came back up the stairs and went to bed. Now... i dont remember doing this and my boyfriend said "Im really surprised you made it back up the stairs...." every time i take it shit like this happens.....

I swear one of these days im gonna drown in the toilet....

Fuck you winter...and double fuck you Nyquil.... i hate you.




(p.s. you liking the new photoshop drawings? thought id treat your eyes to my orgasmicly awesome drawings now in better...graphics? )

Some Do's and Dont's

Ok people, listen up. heres some dos and dont's when in public. Now i'm no proper lady or anything. But i know how to act in public......sometimes... when i'm not highly caffeinated or on a high dosage of cough syrup.

First off. You "young" people. Please.. its ok to be polite to old people. (well at least the ones who aren't bitchy to you first). They have lived long enough for you to maybe help them get something off a high grocery shelf if you can. Trust me I wont think its uncool.

So yes DO: Hold open doors for old ladys.

But... theres a limit to how nice you have to be......

yea...also...Date Rape drugs are a big no-no. They might act adversely to her old lady meds.

Secondly.

Lets say you have a friend or a friend of a friend has just had a baby, or has a child you are just meeting, and either they are sick, god awful ugly, or have a huge load in their pants. And it never fails... they will want you to hold their child. And lets face it, I know a lot of you out there would rather chew on a Halloween apple filled with razer blades. (me too) But we have to remember that this is their child, and are possibly the most loved and important things in this persons lives. SO be nice about it.

so please DO: Hold their child and grin and bear it. Or politely decline claiming your sick and don't wanna get the drool bag sick as well.

On the other hand....

please DON'T: throw this baby away... its bad for the environment and the stray cats.

Have you ever been to the make up counter in the mall and the lady behind the counter looks like a leather sofa with sparkly blue eye shadow on?  and SHES giving YOU make up tips? I dont know about you, but it makes me feel like something needs to be done here. But you cant really just be like "Really lady?"

So please DO: Listen to what the talking leather sofa has to say and nod like you are listing and not actually thinking about how good those pretzels as Auntie Annes smell.

but... resist doing this please.

Its not nice....hehehe...not nice....

So all you guys out there. Ever go to the gym and there is that really over friendly guy always there? who ALWAYS wants to talk to you, and insists on being shirtless. He most likely says "guy" and "bro" too much for instance "hey there guy! what did you do last night bro? I just say around playing Halo until my fingers bled"  Also these guys tend to stand too close to you when they are talking. so close in fact you can HEAR their sweat stink. But its ok. because this advise is actually for the guys that are guilty of this. So guys if you are this guy, please stand back a few steps, and keep your voice to an inside voice.

Good.

Bad... very bad....

Also. try to hold back on wearing those breezy shorts. and if you MUST dont wear boxers. Other people can see your boys.


On another note. Just another thing i observe....

ladys.... LEGGINGS ARE NOT AN ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE FOR PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont care how skinny and hot you are. jsut NO i dont know who the hell started this trend, but im tired of seeing your ass. That especially goes for the bigger girls too. Im sorry but its gross and a little whorish. leave a little to the imagination for gods sake! And who ever DID start this... if i find you... i will send a team of hamsters that have been specially trained to come to your house and cut you.

Sorry..

Ok so i know i said i would be updating a lot.. i lied. ive been sick.. and cold... but ive been snuggling with a soft blanket with ghosts on it so its cool. It was basically like this every time i thought about updating :

<-- that would be my tablet pen

than this would happen:

Its been getting cold here. And i hate cold, so i've been buying those little "throw blankets" like crazy, you know, the ones that are JUST big enough to piss you off.... seriously, we've bought like 4 in the last two weeks. And a humidifier that is so loud you'd think we were running and industrial sized fan that spits on you.

Another ordeal ive been dealing with is nose bleeds. I start getting them when it starts getting cold. ive woken up the past two days with nose bleeds which is always slightly horrifying for me. because im always afraid itll start while im asleep and ill bleed to death. 

heres how that usually goes....

When i have one during the day, its not as dramatic, but i still act like i might die cause it usually bleeds like  mother effer.

that goes like this:

but when i wake up and have a nose bleed, my arms and face are usually covered in blood and the first thought i usually have is  "oh god ive been stabbed"  than i realize its just my nose, and i panic like this:

so yea. Also ive started a rather large project that may take up a lot of my time for a while, so ill post when i can until that is done. But ill try to upload some doodles when i can.... Like this one of me riding a giraffe.

On that note... im leaving. 

Some things i hate

Ok, so I work at a grocery store, as a cashier, and its not too bad. Usually the day goes smooth , but I've noticed some things that I'm really starting to hate.

For one, I hate, and when I say hate, I mean hate with the burning intensity of 1000 suns, working the Express lane. Because most of the people going  through there are going through because they are in a hurry, and this usually means they are going to be douche holes to me.


But theres also this:

No they usually don't have a top hat and villain mustache, but they might as well have. The line "I have more than 8 is that ok?" followed by the "i just kind of pooped my self" facial expressing gets old really effing fast. Not to mention that when people come to that lane looking for cigarettes, alot of them say "I also need a pack of cigarettes" and look at me like I should KNOW what they smoke, and i should be a shamed of my self for not knowing. I hate you people.

Another thing I hate. People on cell phones or people that constantly text, while in my lane.

Yea....This makes me want to bite someones face off. Not much to say about this one, any one who's ever worked retail knows this Douche.

At our store we have hand baskets people can carry if they just need a  few things. I don't mind these because collecting them at my lane gives me a reason to leave my slave quarters and return them to the other baskets. 

But when people abuse the privilege of using them, thats when I hate them. For instance, when people bring them to my lane and expect me to unload it. It makes me want to turn them upside down and pour all their items out, like my friend Whitney used to do. But don't have balls like she does.(not literally) But mostly when this happens, this moment happens:

Its that moment of "Really dude with the retarded wolf shirt on....really?" and hes all "Why aren't my things out yet?" This makes me want to start eating his groceries for him, since he cant do anything else with them on his own.

I think when most people come to the store they  forget their brains in their car with the windows rolled up. Because i watch most of them walk around with the "Hurrr" look on their faces like they have never seen a food store before. I think this is why i hate people....mostly...